Ted Stevens Regarding Phishing Bill — Interview with

A conversation with Ted Stevens (R-AK), a co-sponsor of “Anti-Phishing Consumer Protection Act of 2008”.

[Editors note: I recently had a chance to catch up with Senator Ted Stevens on an all-expense paid hunting trip courtesy of ExxonMobile. He was kind enough to answer a few questions regarding the so-called anti-phishing bill.]

Reglike (DNW): Senator Stevens, it’s such a pleasure to be on this trip with you.

Ted Stevens: Yeah, well my aides told me you contributed to my campaign.

DNW: Yes, yes of course. Hey, can I ask you a question regarding that phishing bill you are supporting?

Stevens: Yeah, OK [grunts].

DNW: Why are you co-sponsoring the bill?

Stevens: Well, Alaska is a big state for fishing, you know. It’s a big part of our economy. And a lot of seniors are scammed by bogus fishing trips that are shorter than advertised and led by unauthorized tour guides.

DNW: Um, with all due respect I don’t think you understa—

Stevens: What! Are you questioning me? Where are you from, anyway?

DNW: Texas, sir.

Stevens: Well don’t tell me what I ought to know regarding fishing in Alaska.

DNW: But this bill is regarding stealing peoples’ information through phishing, with a “ph”.

Senator Ted Stevens

Stevens: Huh? Does that have to do with that Interweb thing — err World Wide Internet — err, you know, the series of tubes?

DNW: Yes, yes, the series of tubes.

Stevens: I don’t trust that thing. Just the other day my staff sent me an internet and I didn’t get it for three days. Too many kids downloading music on that MyTube thing, I guess.

DNW: Right. Anyway, why would you be supporting this bill, which is really just a masquerade for tougher trademark laws and will increase the costs of legitimate modest businesses?

Stevens: Look, to be honest with you Senator Olympia Snowe just told me I ought to attach my name to this. And some big firms that line my pockets told me to sign the thing too.

DNW: Ah, I see.

[loud scream]

Stevens: Oh, Damn! Did Cheney just shoot Larry Craig in the face?!?!

[Editor’s note, part 2: Thanks to Stephen Colbert and his Better Know a District for the inspiration, as well as The Onion.]