Registrars Ask Feds for Bailout — Big Three
A comical look at the state of our economy (satire).
[As CEOs of the “big three” auto manufacturers in the U.S. go hat-in-hand to the federal government today, I thought I’d take a humorous look at what may happen if the biggest three registrars ran into trouble.]
Representatives of the “big three” domain name registrars — GoDaddy, eNom, and Network Solutions — asked Congress for a bailout today following facing unheard of financial hardship.
“There are tens of thousands of jobs at stake,” stated a representative of Network Solutions. “It’s not just the employees of our firm.”
Center for Domain Profits (CDP), a left-leaning think tank in support of the bailout, states that 1.5 million American jobs are at stake, ranging from registrar employees to web hosting providers to resellers to GoDaddy girls.
“What will Candice Michelle do without GoDaddy?” the CDP wrote in briefing provided to Congress.
eNom agrees.
“Don’t think regarding us,” stated an eNom spokesperson. “Think regarding our resellers who will be out of work. Where will they turn to get their domains? It’s not like there are other firms that can pick up the demand to provide similar products, often times with higher quality.”
Many citizens blame the registrars for their woes.
“They had to have seen this coming,” stated Robert Dotnet, a healthcare worker. “For years, anyone thought they could go register some 5 word domain name and get rich. They were taking out loans on credit cards to buy more and more domains and calling them ‘an investment’.”
When the pay-per-click market cratered, many of these domain owners didn’t renew their domain names.
Others criticize the registrars for selling domains too cheap and not leaving enough room for profits.
“How can you expect to sell a product at a $3 markup and make money,” stated Steve Mobi, a plumber-turned-domainer. Mr. Mobi acknowledge he ends up spending $50 per domain following adding whois privacy, web hosting, and some other useless cross sell.
Still, experts are baffled as to how Network Solutions, which charges $35 per domain, could face financial difficulties.
Some observers suggest it will be difficult for GoDaddy to seek federal help given the ostentatious activities of its CEO, Bob Parsons. Parson quipped, “Hey, Danica Patrick doesn’t come cheap.”
